It's Time to Go Back

Today is my first day back at University - I'm officially a third-year and I don't know how to feel.

 I mean, I'm graduating this year - how crazy is that!? It doesn't seem like two minutes since I pulled up at my new student halls, an eager beaver desperate to make new friends and develop her love of both acting and writing. Two years later, the acting ship set sail without me and I find writing such a chore. I'm hoping that this will change in my final year though, I know it's going to be a lot of stress but I'll be able to write about what I'm passionate about and that always makes things easier. 

With a new academic year comes new goals and a new positive mindset to get me motivated. I've raided Tesco for a bunch of new books and pens, my timetable is colour coordinated, my work schedule is perfectly balanced with my studies and I'm ready to work my little bum off to get a good degree at the end of it. There's going to be no more procrastinating watching videos of pandas on slides or watching X Factor auditions from 10 years ago just to avoid doing any work and I'll definitely be getting my work done ahead of deadline week instead of three days before they're due - I learned my lesson last year, three sleepless nights and endless amounts of coffee was not the way to go about passing the second year but I somehow managed it. I'm going to spend more time in the library and more time socialising with my Uni friends - I really don't spend enough time with them. I also promise not to neglect my blog and to make time to do things that I enjoy doing - it's all about having a good balance and I'm determined to do that this year.

It's crazy to think that this time next year I'll be a graduate, wandering around aimlessly, not knowing what to do with myself. I'm both excited and curious to see what the future holds for me and how my career prospects will change this year - I'm hoping a lot of exciting opportunities will reveal themselves and I can't wait for all the adventures they're going to take me on. As this blog - and you guys - have been with me throughout my University journey, I'm looking forward to sharing everything with you because the third year is a pretty big deal. It's going to be full of stress, tears, potential dropouts and a lot of early mornings but hopefully a lot of laughs and memories too. I hated my first year of Sixth Form but loved my final year, and as I've hated my first two years of Uni, I'm hoping that my final year is going to be the turning point that I need. 

After six months away from Liverpool and the maze that is the Uni Library, I feel excited and ready to get back writing again. Yet I find myself feeling nervous - I may be a third year but it still feels like my first ever day at Uni. I suppose these first day nerves never leave, do they? 

Come at me third year, I'm ready for ya!

please remind me of this blog post in three weeks time when I'm stressed and contemplating dropping out for the sixth time. 

Lots of Love,
Meg

xox

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To a Friend who doesn't Understand.

Dear Friend,
I wanted to write this letter to you to let you know that I understand. I understand that you don't understand, as strange as that sounds. It's extremely difficult to try and get your head around something that you can't physically see, yes you see the effect that it has on people, but you can't see how it makes us feel and for that I'm sorry. I know you try to understand but you just can't, even I can't understand sometimes and I thought I could understand everything. 

You should know that I don't mean for these things to happen, and when I do start to panic, I'm unable to control the way I feel. It's like someone else completely takes over my body, my mind. I know you're probably thinking that the best solution is to avoid the things that make me panic but the hardest part is being completely unaware of the things that make me nervous. These feelings change from day to day. One day, I'll be able to get the train with you with absolutely no problem, but other days I'll struggle. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know what triggers my anxious feelings, but I just need you to be there for me. I need to know that you won't leave me. 

If you do leave however, I completely understand. I realise that this whole thing must be as emotionally draining for you as it is for me. And I understand, I really really do. Sometimes I get fed up of myself too. I guess you won't be the first friend I've lost through this, and you wont be the last. Some people just don't want to be friends with someone who get anxious when she goes out to a nightclub, and that's okay. It's probably boring for you; it's boring for me too. I'm sick of ending my nights sat on the curb as you try to help me to learn how to breathe again, I want to be there to listen to the last song of the night and sing along with everyone but I just can't. And you don't seem to understand that. 

I've chosen to stop coming out with you now, just so that you'll be able to have one decent night without me. I realise I'm a burden on you, and that you feel sorry for me. But you don't need to feel sorry for me, I really don't want your sympathy. My anxiety is the reason you don't speak to me anymore, it's the reason you don't invite me out anymore and it's the reason that you avoid me in the street when you see me walking towards you. It makes me sad that the last memory you have of me is sitting outside crying because the whole thing got too much. I needed you to be there for me and you weren't, but I try to understand, the way you should try to understand me. 

I'm sorry for everything that I have put you through, all the nights I've ruined and all the states you've seen me in. But I'd like you to remember one thing; I am determined to beat this. I will not let it get the better of me. I may be at the bottom right now, but I will keep climbing and climbing until I am back at the top again, regardless of if you want to help me or not. But if you ever fall from your branch, straight to the bottom of the tree and need someone to help you back up again, just remember that I'll be there for you. Because I will get through this, and I'll make sure you do too. 

Love,

Your Friend with Anxiety

SIDE NOTE

I wrote this in honour of #WorldMentalHealthDay, it's a complete first draft that I wrote on the train to University this morning. It is so so so important that we speak up about mental health and how it can effect every single one of us. We need to make people understand. Never be ashamed of your mental health, it's a part of who you are and it makes you so beautiful. 

'You've survived 100% of your bad days, you're doing great!' 

Lots of Love,
Meg

xox

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