My Skin Story

I've had acne since I was ten years old. At least, that's the first time I remember going to see my GP about my skin. He prescribed me with some cream to apply each night and sent me on my way. At that age, my only concerns were playing out with my friends and wondering if Zoey would end up with Chase on Zoey 101. My skin was the last thing on my mind. It was only when I got to high school that it became more of an issue.

High School is nasty. Kids are nasty.
I was bullied because of my skin. I remember sitting in English and having girls ask, 'why is your skin so spotty?' and sometimes lads would ask me on dates as a joke. I had all the usual name calling that you'd associate with acne, 'pizza face', 'greasy face', 'crater face' etc but I learned to deal with it. At thirteen, my Mum was referring to my spots as 'teenager spots' and told me that they'd go when I was older.

Fast forward to Sixth Form and my skin was at its worst. I went back to my GP and was prescribed various creams but they didn't work. He then decided to put me on the contraceptive pill. It was called co-cyprindol and I was taking it for just over two years, including my first year of university. It was dreadful. My skin got progressively worse, I gained quite a lot of weight and my mental health deteriorated. I had to go and see my GP every three months and each time, he told me that he'd refer me to see a dermatologist. He never did.

Here's a photo of me and my parents in my flat when I first moved in. As you can see, the blemishes all over my cheeks are barely coverable with makeup. I'll be honest, I was ashamed. I expressed my concerns to people and they reassured me saying, 'don't worry, it's not the first thing people will notice about you.' I believed this for a while until a drama lecturer told me that I'd never get a job in the arts with 'skin like that'. I have never been more aware of my acne than I was in that moment. That was when I went into complete meltdown.

I came off the pill and my skin started to improve. I tried every branded cream, soap, scrub and facial wash and some products helped, but my confidence was at a complete low. Throughout uni, my skin changed - sometimes I'd go weeks with blemishes that were coverable with makeup, other times, not even a full coverage foundation/concealer would help.

In February 2018 I decided it was time to sort my skin out once and for all. I couldn't understand why everyone had such perfect skin and I didn't. No one seemed to understand. This year was a big year in terms of social events. I had a Leavers Ball, my 21st and my Graduation. I wanted my skin to be clear. I wanted to be able to stand in front of a camera and not feel self-conscious or wonder how I was going to edit my blemishes out. I just wanted to love myself again.

The First GP Visit

I went to visit my GP in February of this year. I walked into the room makeup-less and sat opposite a lovely woman with a kind, smiling face. I'll be honest, I sat there and cried. I told her everything; how disgusting I felt, all the remarks that had been made and that all I wanted was to have clear skin for graduation. She nodded as I spoke, jotting down everything that I said. Finally, I thought someone was listening.  

'We've given you everything we could possibly prescribe you, I think the best thing for us to do is refer you to a dermatologist,' she said. I breathed a sigh of relief. Then she started flicking through my medical records and her face dropped.

 'You should've been referred to see a dermatologist three years ago.'

She shook her head and began to apologise, all these years of confidence issues and self-doubt could have been sorted three years ago.  It took her five minutes to write my referral to the dermatology department at the hospital and she promised me that things would get sorted. There was just one problem, a fourteen-week waiting list. 

Why I Chose To Go Private

I went home to my parents with a prescription for Epi-duo, a cream I had previously been prescribed but hadn't worked. I told them about the fourteen-week waiting list and like me, they were shocked. Fourteen weeks. Four months to wait for a consultation and only four months until graduation. It was clear I didn't have the time to wait. 

We started to look at private dermatologists and came across the dermatology department at a private hospital just ten minutes from our house. I'll be honest, private treatment is on the pricier side and I'm incredibly fortunate to be able to afford to have this kind of treatment. After much deliberation, I rang to inquire and was given an appointment the following week. There's no way I could stand the fourteen-week wait. It got to a point where I was avoiding going out with friends. I was desperate.

My First Dermatologist Appointment

On the day of my first appointment, I was terrified because I didn't know what to expect. My name was called, I walked into the room and immediately felt at ease. My dermatologist spoke so softly and was incredibly gentle and understanding. I instantly trusted him. He asked me loads of questions such as how long I'd been suffering from acne and the different products that I'd tried, even though I think he already knew. I told him that my ideal situation would be to have clear skin for my 21st in June and my graduation in July.  He then examined my skin with a huge light up magnifying glass and told me that my acne was moderate. 

He said that he could put me on antibiotics but there's no guarantee that they would work and because I was on such a short timescale, the only answer to my problems was Roaccutane.   It wasn't the answer I wanted but the answer I expected. Nevertheless, I was willing to give it a try. 

Then Things Changed...

The next morning I went for a blood test to check if I'd be able to take the Roaccutane and to decide my dosage. The following week, I sat back in the same chair and discussed my options with my dermatologist.  I'd spent the week researching Roaccutane and I'd scared myself. For each good experience, there was a bad one. I read about the drastic effect it has not only on your body but on your skin. I wasn't sure I'd be able to cope. 

My dermatologist could see how scared I was so he suggested that I start on the antibiotics and then if they don't work, we know that Roaccutane is a definite last resort. He prescribed me with Doxycycline (antibiotics) and Differin cream to be applied each night before bed. Then, he told me I was to go back and see him every 2 months. 

March 2018

Wow, I never thought that sharing this photo on the internet would make me so nervous.

Here is a photo of my skin at the beginning of March before I started any treatment. As you can see, my cheeks and chin are covered in red, angry spots. This was taken straight after washing my face. It was these particular photos that pushed me to go and see my GP because I was so, so unhappy. 

After taking Doxycycline and using Differin for a week I saw some minor improvements. My spots weren't as inflamed and I had minimal side effects from the tablets. I made sure to use SPF on my face each morning as both treatments can have bad reactions to excessive sunlight exposure and I tried to keep my skincare routine as simple as possible. So far, so good. 

After Two Weeks

As you'll all know, I'm a researcher. I like to know what I'm putting in my body and what I can do to prevent the nasty side effects. I'd read that my skin would get worse before it got better and during the first month, it did just that. In the second week of treatment, my skin was purging. It pushed all the badness out and even though I knew this was going to happen, I was slowly losing faith in the tablets. I needed to learn that a miracle wasn't going to happen overnight. With any skin treatment, patience is key. 

After a month, my spots had reduced dramatically. The scarring was slowly clearing up and I was happy with my progress. However, I knew there was still a long way to go. 

2 - 3 Months

Two months into treatment and I was feeling more confident about my appearance. My acne was coverable with makeup and my spots weren't as aggressive as they used to be. I went back to see my dermatologist and he asked me to rate my skin on a scale of 1 to 10. I rated it a 5. He prescribed me with another two months of tablets and told me that this would be the month of big changes. 

The next month, I turned 21 and I couldn't believe just how clear my skin was. My spots had virtually disappeared and the only thing left was scarring. I remember looking in the mirror on my 21st birthday and crying, it was the best birthday present I could've asked for. The people around me started to notice my confidence coming back, which was a beautiful thing to hear, and I was slowly wearing less makeup. 

July - August

The past two months have been unbelievable.
I'm actually getting a little bit emotional writing this because it's a true reflection of my skin journey over this past year and I'm really proud of how much it has improved. If you would've told me in March that I would have clear skin for my graduation, I would've laughed at you. In July, I graduated with skin that I was happy with. I had my official photos taken without worrying about blemishes and it felt amazing.

In August I felt confident enough to go out without makeup on and strangers started to compliment me on my 'glowy skin', something I never thought could happen. I cannot believe how happy I am with how my skin looks and I will never be able to thank my dermatologist for the confidence he's given me.

So, What Did I learn?

There have been times throughout my treatment where I felt lonely like no one could ever understand how much acne knocked my confidence. Acne isn't just spots. It's not because someone doesn't wash their face or eats too much chocolate. Acne is a real medical condition and the sooner it starts being treated like that, the better. 

Two of my inspirations, so to speak, throughout my skin journey have been Georgia Toffolo and Em Ford.  A few weeks prior to my first appointment, I watched a segment on This Morning in which Toff spoke about her struggles with acne and for the first time, I felt like someone understood. Then, I watched Em's video about her struggles with acne and I felt proud. I felt so proud of the little blemishes dotted over my skin and the scars they leave behind. 

If anything, I've learned to be proud of who I am. I've learned that so many beautiful women suffer from acne and that it doesn't mean we're any less beautiful. I look at people like Georgia and Em and think they're absolutely stunning, so why am I not beautiful because I have acne too? My acne doesn't define me and the minute I stopped letting it control who I was and how I felt, my confidence started to grow. 

This is nerve-wracking for me to post but I feel like it's important to share photos of acne prone skin. It's incredibly frowned upon in the media and we need to change the attitude towards people with acne. When do you ever see a girl with acne modelling for Rimmel? Benefit? Urban Decay? You don't. Because people perceive acne to be an imperfection when in reality, it shows true beauty. I wish I would have realised this sooner. 

I'm due to go for my next (and hopefully final) dermatologist appointment in two weeks!

Have you suffered from acne?

If you have any questions on products or skin treatments then send them my way. 

We need to break that horrible stigma surrounding acne and embrace our imperfections. 

Lots of Love,
Meg

xxx

A Letter To 10 Year Old Me

Dear 10-Year-Old Me,
You're sat at the table in the restaurant of your favourite hotel in Blackpool. You're wearing your new navy blue skirt with a tiara sparkling on your head, giving a big cheesy grin to the camera as you tilt your head to the side. You have the most beautiful smile, and you should wear it more often. It's one of the only things about you that won't change. I can see the pride in Mum's eyes as she smiles back at you, and her pride in you will only continue to grow because you're going to achieve amazing things little one. 

You are such a clever little girl with so much potential. Sure, you might be the tallest girl in school with thin legs and knees that look like wool on cotton but you need to be true to yourself. It'll serve you well. Enjoy being as carefree as you are now because it's all stress from here but you'll get through it. There'll be challenges up ahead but you're stronger than you seem, and there'll be more good moments than bad, I promise. 

You'll leave all of your friends behind to go to secondary school, I know you're not thinking about that now but you've got it all to come. Trust in fate. It will be tough on you, and people will try to dull your sparkle but keep your head down, keep dreaming and it'll soon pass. They're just jealous of how effortlessly intelligent you are. But you need to tell someone when they start drawing over your work and throwing your things out of the window, you don't need to deal with that. Never listen to the names they call you or the things they say about you, don't waste your tears on them. It will knock your confidence, but you'll soon get back up. 

You'll work hard and pass all of your exams with flying colours, although you'll stress yourself out beforehand and you'll wonder if you have any more tears left to cry. When it's all over, you'll celebrate in style and turn out to be a real party person. I know you don't want to get up and dance now because you think everyone is looking at you, but soon they won't be able to get you off that dance floor. 

You'll also meet your first crush. Yep, I know boys seem gross now but it'll all change. He'll be in your form and you'll spend your days thinking about him, but nothing will ever come from it. Sorry, kiddo. You'll always have a soft spot for him though, and when you see him at a party a few years down the line, all the feelings will come flooding back and you'll still get butterflies. It's never going to go well with males, and you'll soon realise that they're no good. You'll get your heart broken but you just keep on wishing and he'll come along eventually. Snow White got her Prince and you will too, one day. 

In no time at all, you'll be 13. An unlucky number for some, but it'll be the start of something new for you. Just make sure you treat your Mum with a bit more respect, she's only trying to help you after all. Also, please don't let Dad take you to the hairdressers and let them put a bowl on your head. 'Coconut Head' is not a cool nickname to have. It's the age you'll realise that girls are cruel. They'll drag you down and make fun of you but you just keep spreading kindness. It's a good thing to be remembered for. However, they're not all that bad. You know Liv who lives on the same road as Mambly and Grandad? The girl you play out with all the time? Well, you're still friends 10 years down the line. You're currently the best of friends in your twenties and causing more havoc than ever. She's a good egg and you're really lucky to have her around; in the next ten years, you won't be able to get rid of her.

When you're 15 you'll meet one of the most inspirational women. She'll come in the form of your drama teacher and she'll send your confidence shooting sky high. How lucky are you to have someone so amazing to help you to achieve your dreams? You've always been such a drama queen, so it's no wonder you'll take lead roles in the school productions and you'll be absolutely amazing. Can you see how proud everyone is going to be? You have a strong talent there kiddo and you need to follow that passion even when people doubt you. Prove them wrong. Show them what you can do. You're a shining star, I just wish you could see how special you are.

As I write this to you, you're currently studying writing at University. You've moved away from home and made a whole bunch of new friends, although it hasn't been easy and you've had some setbacks along the way. You love Disney now more than you ever could, and you've finally managed to convince Mum and Dad for that little companion you always wanted. At this moment I know you want to be a beautician/hairdresser and although this isn't the career path you decide to take, you'll manage to work for Walt Disney Company and you're in a job now that you love more than anything, with people who are like your second family. I look at that little girl smiling and I'm so proud of the young woman you've become. The bullies will make you feel like you are not worthy of happiness but you will tower above them. Remember that beauty is only skin deep, and that you are so beautiful even when you don't feel like you are. Remember that it's okay to have bad days and you are entitled to them. Remember that you are worth more than any male who thinks he can take advantage of you. Believe that you can and you will.
Keep wishing on those stars and don't lose your beautiful imagination. Keep dreaming, keep believing and remember that the happiest girls are the prettiest.

Love,
A 20-Year-Old You


Lots of Love,
Meg xo

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Hypochondria is NOT a Joke

Wow, is this me actually writing something on my blog?? Yes, yes it is.
I've been away for a few weeks because I've not been feeling myself recently. Being bogged down with anxiety and studying/working has meant that blogging has been at the bottom of my priority list. That's not to say that I've not had time to blog, but I don't see the point in writing content that I'm not proud of. But let's forget about that now, I'm back and I'm ready to write a personal blog post; there's no better way to come back than with something personal. 

Hypochondria. It's a word you may have heard thrown around referring to someone who constantly worries about their health, then everyone will fall around laughing until the joke dies down and then they'll return to the thing they were doing. If that's the first time you'd ever heard of Hypochondria then you'd probably think it was a joke and use it in the same context. But did you know that it's actually a mental illness? Yep, a real, restricting form of anxiety. 

Do you ever get a headache, google search your symptoms and then automatically have to break the news to your family that you've only got six months to live? Do you constantly self diagnose yourself? If the answer to these questions is yes, then you've probably been referred to as a hypochondriac. I am in no way a medical professional, and to be honest it's not something to be worried about. That's only if it happens a few times. However, if it happens at least 5 times a week like it does for me, then maybe it's a cause for concern. If I wrote you a list of the amount of life threatening illnesses I self diagnose myself with  in a week then you'd probably have a list that is 6ft long. I stop myself going out through the fear that I'm going to be sick, have an excruciating pain and then have to go to hospital. Sometimes I would say that this is one of the main causes of my anxiety; I constantly fear that there is something wrong with me and then the more I google my symptoms, the lower my life expectancy becomes. It's a vicious circle. I also think that my fear of hospitals has something to do with it as well; a hospital is somewhere you go when there's something wrong with you, and I don't like  knowing that there's something wrong. I also HATE being in pain.

If that's not enough, I can't watch the television or do my job without going into a state of panic. Any medical programmes, medical dramas or characters with illnesses make me feel anxious and I have to leave the room until the programme is over. It also doesn't help that I work with hair and wigs which means that I deal with a lot of cancer patients who are going through chemo (even just writing the word cancer makes me full of anxiety). I think that these people are some of the bravest, most wonderful people in the world and I really do admire their bravery but when they speak to me about their illness and they tell me how they were diagnosed, I am again flooded with anxiety and sometimes have to excuse myself from the situation and ask another member of staff to take over, or I fight through it which I do in most cases. The next thing I know, I'm googling whichever type of cancer they have and looking at the symptoms, just to check that I don't have it too. 

Hypochondria is an anxiety that seriously affects my life. The amount of sleepless nights I have through worrying that something is wrong with me, that I could go to sleep and not wake up in the morning, is a number that is too high to type. I get the slightest stomach pain and start to shake because I'm scared of the thing that's wrong with me. My family also hate me for it, I try to express my concerns and worries but they tell me that I'm being dramatic which I know I probably am, but what if the people who did have these symptoms were told that same thing too, and then it turned out to be something much worse? That right there is just an insight to the way my brain works, and it's so messed up. 

What I'm trying to say is that the next time you joke about hypochondria or laugh and call someone a hypochondriac, just remember that it is a real mental illness. If I sat here writing and joking about depression or social anxiety then I'm sure that this post would be inundated with comments about how disgusting I am and how horrible my opinions are. Fair enough, call someone a hypochondriac if you please but remember there's people who live with it every day, people who can't sleep at night. 

I'm sorry if this post was a ramble, or if you didn't really understand what was going on, but I've been wanting to write something like this for a while and as I express all of my thoughts and feelings on this blog, I thought that this would be the best place to do it. 

What are your opinions on this matter?

Lots of Love,
Meg

xox

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University Life

Hello Everyone!

I'm sorry I haven't posted a lot this week, I hope you haven't missed me too much...only kidding! I do have a very valid reason though; as I write this blog post for you now, I am sat in a completely different environment, with a different desk and different people around me. Instead of being cuddled up with my little dog like normal, I'm with three girls who I have never met before in my life. As I look out of the window, I can see the sun beginning to set, the sky has turned a pastel pink with little hints of yellow beaming through. I'm not complaining, it's a beautiful thing to look at. In the distance, I can see the hustle and bustle of the City, I just can't help but wonder what everyone is doing. I didn't realise this place had so many buildings. Have you guessed where I am yet?

Today, as I write this blog post, I am sat in my new University flat. I've finally left home, and truthfully, I don't really know how I feel about it. The process of moving my things from home wasn't as stressful as I first thought it would be, we moved things down little by little and now my room is all cosy with little reminders I've brought with me from my bedroom. I'll do a little room tour on here in the coming weeks so that you can see how cute it looks. I love my new room, I've got the most gorgeous view of the city and every morning I get to watch the sun rise over Liverpool. Sometimes, I think if I couldn't see the Radio City Tower, that I could be anywhere in the world. It truly is the most beautiful city.

The hardest part for me, was when my parents left. As I head the door to my room shut, and then the door to the flat, I was overcome with loneliness. I was officially on my own, I had no one to depend on, and no one to speak too. In my normal way of coping with things like this, I locked myself away in my room for half an hour and cried for a while. I feel like every student goes through this at some point. All I wanted to do when they left was run down the stairs, hug them and tell them that they could stay. Either that or I would have been in the car with them and back on my way home to see my little dog.

The weekend was really fun. After getting over the fact that my parents had left me and that I was on my own, I really got to know my flat mates, and as the days have gone on, we've become really close with one another which is lovely. Freshers has been quite boring here in Liverpool, there hasn't really been much to do. Well, okay that's a little bit of a lie, there has been things to do, but the majority of them have either been very empty, very boring or very expensive. My student loan has been paid in which means my student diet and my student life starts now.  There is no more of this expensive, luxury stuff, from this moment forward, I am living in Aldi and Primark (not literally but you know what I mean).

This week has been really fun. On Monday, I enrolled at University which means that I am now officially a student. I've got a really cool student card with a little badge, I probably look like a complete idiot walking around with it on my neck, but I feel like it makes me look older, and I feel really professional. I'm hoping this phase goes away soon, I feel like it's something I'm going to look back on and be like "Oh for goodness sake Megan, why did you ever do that?". This week, I've also been to the little Freshers event hosted by my university. It was only very small, but I got fed grapes and came out with two bags full of free things which I'd picked up along the way. This included a stress ball, some tictacs, a pot noodle and 6 pens (you can never have too many pens).

Then induction week started. It's been really fun and beneficial to meet new people on my course, especially because I know that we all share the same interests. However, part of me is thinking right now that I haven't chosen the right course for me. I know I want to continue to write, but I'm not too sure that I want to continue to act. I don't think people realise how much it upsets me to hear myself say that, but at this moment in time, I really don't feel like I belong. Have you ever had that feeling when you're in a room and you know that you just don't fit in, and you feel like everyone is so much better than you? Well, that's me.

I don't really know why I feel like this. I think it's because I've been out of education for four months, and I've just been thrown back in in the deep end. But I also think it's because I had the same drama teacher, and the same people in my class for around five years. I'd become so comfortable with them and now that this bond has been broken, I'm not too sure that I can cope with it. Being a very shy person doesn't really help matters.

Another thing that's hard for me is that homesickness is hitting me. I really miss my local pub, I miss taking my dog for a walk around the park, but most of all, I miss my family. I'm only half an hour away from them, but not being able to see them, especially on days when you're feeling down, is one of the hardest things possible. I can't describe pain like wanting a cuddle from your mum and knowing that she's not there to hug you and tell you that everything is going to be okay. Of course there's the phone but it's not really the same is it?

Overall though, I'm really loving Uni up to now. It's such a new but exciting experience. Of course it has it's challenges, and that is never going to change, but I can't wait for the new things ahead.

Lots of Love

Meg

xox

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