31 January 2016

I Don't Belong...

Hello Everyone!
I feel like this post is already going to be some form of ramble, but I feel like I need to post something somewhere. This is why I love having a little place on the internet, a place where I can write about whatever I want and share my thoughts and feelings, hoping that maybe someone out there will relate to me. 

I want to talk about not fitting in. You know that feeling when you're sat with your friends, and you just feel like you don't belong and in reality, it wouldn't really matter if you were there or not? Well, that's how I've been feeling recently. I don't know if it's because I miss my friends from home a little, but I'm just not happy where I am at the moment. I really feel that I can't be myself around many people because they find me weird or they just don't want to associate themselves with me, and I honestly don't know why. In this last year, I actually learnt what it was like to be valued as part of a friendship group, and that was something I so deeply wanted at University, and it's just not happening for me. It sometimes makes me think that University just isn't the place for me. But I mean what other option do I have other than to stay there and live out this degree?

Looking at it, I am the type to get quite paranoid. I'm the type who'll be in a lift with people and if they start laughing or sniggering, I'll presume they're laughing at me. It's not a nice way to be, and believe me, I'm not happy being that way, but I think it's just something you can't help. So, for me, when someone doesn't reply to me on a group chat with a lot of people, but replies to everyone else, I feel really un-welcomed and very very lonely. That's the word I'm looking for right now; lonely. I feel un-valued and very lonely. 

Being naturally quite shy around new people, it's horrible when you just don't fit in with anyone. I live in Liverpool and go to one of the biggest universities in the country; and I have yet to find a group at Uni whom I feel comfortable with and whom I feels value my friendship. It's horrible walking into a room and knowing that the people who you would normally say are your friends just couldn't care less if you were a part of their life or if you weren't. 

I don't mean for anyone to get upset by this blog post, I think it's just a series of my late night thoughts all jumbled up into one big ramble. 

Lots of Love
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