2 May 2016

Late Night Ramblings

It's currently half past midnight, I should be in bed, but instead I'm sat here writing a blog post for you. When I say I'm writing a blog post for you, I think I mean me; I'm writing a post to get my thoughts down somewhere. Maybe my blog isn't the best place to do this, but I write everything on here so surely it makes sense right? I don't even know if I'm going to publish this (we'll read it back in the morning and see). 

The inspiration for this blog post came when a family friend kept questioning me as to why I'm not currently in a relationship. When I told her that I was single, she looked at me like I was strange and then asked me why. I'll be truthful, I didn't have a reply, because frankly the answer to that question is unknown to me. It's not something I had a valid answer for. But despite that, it really made me think about things (be prepared for this blog post to get pretty deep very quickly)... 

I log onto social media and splashed over my timeline are my friends all happy and loved up in their 2-3 year relationships. I on the other hand spend my time posting photos of my dog, pretty sunsets and updating my family on what I'm doing. Besides the point, but it made me think; why am I not doing what my friends are doing? Why am I not posting all about my happy relationships on social media? Am I not normal? Should I go out and date the next guy I find attractive? No, no I shouldn't. But why am I not in a happy relationship with someone? Why am I not going on dates with different guys like my friends are?
I pondered this question for a while, and the I realised. The reason I'm not currently dating anyone at the moment, or in a relationship, is because I'm not ready. I think that before you allow someone else to love you, you need to learn how to love yourself. It's sad for me to say, but I really don't love myself at the moment. 

We all have bad days; those days when we hate every little inch of ourselves, but this 'day' seems to be lasting forever for me. I've never been someone to be bothered about my appearance, and during my time at Sixth Form, I gained so much confidence in myself. I was happy in my own skin, and couldn't wait to go to Uni to further this confidence and build new friendships. I got to Uni and it was like I was kicked back to square one; I was ridiculed and made to feel pathetic by someone who was meant to be supporting me and my dreams. It made me more aware of myself and the things that I don't like. I always listened to people when they said that 'your flaws make you who you are' and 'your flaws are never noticed by other people' but for someone to point out the things that are wrong with me made me realise that maybe people do notice imperfections. Are my imperfections the thing that people notice first about me? 

When this particular person at University pointed these things out about me, it made other people laugh at me. To walk into a room and know that everyone thought you were a weirdo, to know that people looked at the things that were wrong with you before they even got to know you as a person really hurt me. I struggled to make new friendships at Uni because no one wanted to know me; the weird girl who everyone laughed at. My confidence was shattered. I'd been built up to a certain level of confidence; being around people who accepted me for who I am and enjoyed being around me. I had the best year last year because of this confidence, but now it's just ruining me. 

Everyone has insecurities, and I'm not for one second saying that I have it worse than everyone else because I probably don't, I just want to write this to get it down somewhere. I'm feeling better for it. Right now, if you asked me what I like about myself, I don't think I could tell you one thing. I want to get back to loving myself the way I did this time last year, but I don't see anything to love. Most people know that I have acne, and that's where things started. That was the first thing someone pointed out about me; and then this spiraled into me worrying about weight, clothes and now even small things like my teeth and my laugh and smiling. I compare myself to every other person I see; 'look at them, don't they have a pretty smile', 'look at her hair, its so lovely', 'wow, shes so pretty'. I guess that maybe, they're insecure too, I mean most people are insecure about something. I don't know where this is going, I really don't.

When I'm around other people, I try to keep this confident, positive and happy vibe up because it's who I was this time last year and I don't want people to think I've changed. But this confidence I had has just completely gone and I don't know how to get it back. I want to be happy again, and be the person I was this time last year. So happy, confident and content with the way life was going. 

Reading this back, it sounds like I'm trying to make people feel sorry for me, and believe me I'm not. I don't want sympathy from anyone. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that thinking about me and taking time to reflect on the way I perceive myself has made me realise that I can't let anyone love me before I learn to love myself again. I want to build up that level of confidence that I had this time last year, I want to be happy in my own skin again. And I will be happy, I'm determined to be happy. 

Also, lets just take a moment to re-assure me, and all the other people out there who feel the same way I do because I know I'm not alone, that you don't have to be doing what all of your friends are doing. Focus on loving yourself, doing what you want to do and then everything else will fall into place. You are the most important thing.

I'm sorry if this upset anyone, I never intended for it too. It's late and I'm rambling. I should sleep now. 

Lots of Love


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