10 October 2016

To a Friend who doesn't Understand.

Dear Friend,
I wanted to write this letter to you to let you know that I understand. I understand that you don't understand, as strange as that sounds. It's extremely difficult to try and get your head around something that you can't physically see, yes you see the effect that it has on people, but you can't see how it makes us feel and for that I'm sorry. I know you try to understand but you just can't, even I can't understand sometimes and I thought I could understand everything. 

You should know that I don't mean for these things to happen, and when I do start to panic, I'm unable to control the way I feel. It's like someone else completely takes over my body, my mind. I know you're probably thinking that the best solution is to avoid the things that make me panic but the hardest part is being completely unaware of the things that make me nervous. These feelings change from day to day. One day, I'll be able to get the train with you with absolutely no problem, but other days I'll struggle. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know what triggers my anxious feelings, but I just need you to be there for me. I need to know that you won't leave me. 

If you do leave however, I completely understand. I realise that this whole thing must be as emotionally draining for you as it is for me. And I understand, I really really do. Sometimes I get fed up of myself too. I guess you won't be the first friend I've lost through this, and you wont be the last. Some people just don't want to be friends with someone who get anxious when she goes out to a nightclub, and that's okay. It's probably boring for you; it's boring for me too. I'm sick of ending my nights sat on the curb as you try to help me to learn how to breathe again, I want to be there to listen to the last song of the night and sing along with everyone but I just can't. And you don't seem to understand that. 

I've chosen to stop coming out with you now, just so that you'll be able to have one decent night without me. I realise I'm a burden on you, and that you feel sorry for me. But you don't need to feel sorry for me, I really don't want your sympathy. My anxiety is the reason you don't speak to me anymore, it's the reason you don't invite me out anymore and it's the reason that you avoid me in the street when you see me walking towards you. It makes me sad that the last memory you have of me is sitting outside crying because the whole thing got too much. I needed you to be there for me and you weren't, but I try to understand, the way you should try to understand me. 

I'm sorry for everything that I have put you through, all the nights I've ruined and all the states you've seen me in. But I'd like you to remember one thing; I am determined to beat this. I will not let it get the better of me. I may be at the bottom right now, but I will keep climbing and climbing until I am back at the top again, regardless of if you want to help me or not. But if you ever fall from your branch, straight to the bottom of the tree and need someone to help you back up again, just remember that I'll be there for you. Because I will get through this, and I'll make sure you do too. 

Your Friend with Anxiety

I wrote this in honour of #WorldMentalHealthDay, it's a complete first draft that I wrote on the train to University this morning. It is so so so important that we speak up about mental health and how it can effect every single one of us. We need to make people understand. Never be ashamed of your mental health, it's a part of who you are and it makes you so beautiful. 

'You've survived 100% of your bad days, you're doing great!' 

Lots of Love,

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